Nostalgic Rainy Days

Today is a nostalgic rainy day.

I went to the mall briefly with my family. Got three books.

1. The Explosionist by Jenny Davidson
2. Sparrow Delaney by Suzanne Harper
3. The Gypsy Crown by Kate Forsyth

They were all on sale. Plus, there was a book signing. I saw one person get a book signed. There wasn’t exactly a lineup or anything. I don’t remember the name of the author or the book.

I hope that someday very soon when I get to sit there and sign books for people, there’ll be a lineup for me. A huge lineup. And I want the two seconds in which I make eye contact with anyone there to change their lives forever. Maybe it’s a stretch, but I don’t care.

The rain was humbling today. The paralympic winter games started an hour or two ago. I watched that little montage of Terry Fox and when this fifteen year old came onscreen to light the cauldron or whatever, it took a blow to my happiness.

Every single time I see someone close to my age that have done great things, or are out doing great things, I think to myself, Why isn’t that me?

I’ve probably gone over this before several times, but watching people skate on TV makes me nostalgic. If I never quit figure skating in sixth grade, that really could have been me.

It’s a bitter feeling but the kind that gives you goosebumps at the same time. I hate regret. I try as hard as I can to live without it but it’s so difficult to know sometimes what you will regret and what you won’t.

I have a strong sense (mostly with my mind) that I’m going to regret not signing up for drama class in grade 11.

Speaking of classes, I did promise I’d tell you what I was taking later, and I guess now is later.

– English 3U
– Math 3U
– Anthropology/Phsycology/Sociology 3M
– Media Studies 3M
– Student Council Leadership 3M
– Art 3M
– Physics 3U
– Physical Geography 3U

The 3 indicates that it is my third year of high school (grade 11) and the U indicates that I’m aiming for university. M means either university or college. I’m guessing which ones are which.

Originally I had thought that the Student Council Leadership course was something you earned on the side; that it didn’t actually take up a period in the day. I was going to take drama instead.

Do you want a run-down of what each subject is about and why I took it?

Too bad. I’m going to tell you anyway.

English 3U
English rocks. ‘Nuff said.

Math 3U
Math sucks. I got a 52% the last time around. I was completely torn on whether or not I could handle the U-level math for next year. Several universities want you to have 4U math in order to be even considered. No matter what you plan on studying once you get there. In order for you to have 4U math, you need to have 3U math. My grade 10 math teacher suggested thinking about why I didn’t do so well. If it was just because I slacked off and truly think I could have tried harder, then 3U would be fine, as long as I tried harder. If I really did try hard and truly think that no matter how hard I tried I would not be able to grasp the content, then I should think about switching down. My mother suggested I stick with U-level. So I decided to take the optimist-approach. But I really hope I can handle it.

Anthropology/Phsycology/Sociology 3M
I don’t actually know if it’s M-level. This course is about learning the way people work. That’s what they told me. I have a feeling I’m born for this because let’s just say I’ve been in pretty tough phsycological situations in my life and I made it a life goal a long time ago to do my best to make other people in those same situations feel better. Plus, it’s something that’d come in handy for several of my possible career choices. (Author, polititian, teacher, entrepreneur, etc.) I know it’s going to be something I’m good at too, since my mom and my grandmother were really good at this sort of thing and I’m usually good at things Gramma is good at.

Media Studies 3M
It’s about ‘changing the media’, supposedly. One of the assignments I’ve heard of is to write an angry letter to a company because their advertisements are offensive and/or degrading. Which seems like my kind of thing. Plus Mother really persued this type of thing with her life. She used to have a really major title at Wal*Mart before “Your dad made me quit.” Sometimes life feels like it changes with the big mistakes and little victories.

Student Council Leadership 3M
I already explained this one. It’s pretty much doing whatever the students’ council does.

Art 3M
I would be stupid if I didn’t take this course. I’ve been incredible at art since, like, birth. I know it sounds like bragging, but it’s flippin’ true. I didn’t take ceramics (even though my friends are taking it) because it’s not something I’m quite as good at. Plus I have some fears…

Physics 3U
It was either physics, chemistry, or biology. Biology is a lot of memorization and cell structure and stuff (although I am very interested in the idea of cloning); chemistry is setting stuff on fire and mixing chemicals and exploding stuff (although I have a little trouble with balancing chemical formulas); and physics is force. Like gravity and the speed of light and stuff. Granted, there is math involved, but I’m thinking if the science teacher explains it to us too, then it might actually help me out a little in math 3U. What actually won me over with this, though, is that on the second day of school in grade 10, we had a really fascinating discussion on time travel and Einstein’s theory of relativity. And last year in science, I forgot about the physics/electricity test the day before and improvised/used common sense on the test and pulled of a freaking 87%. It made my life. And the teacher who teaches it is really cool too. I had him last semester and we spent several classes watching MythBusters. And another time we talked about Swine Flu for the whole class and he didn’t care. “As long as you’re learning something…”

Physical Geography 3U
Closest to astronomy I can really take. It’s about the Earth as a planet and volcanoes and stuff. Where it fits into the universe. I’ve always been interested in astronomy. I sort of secretly (well not secretly anymore) want to be an astronaut. The first Canadian and the first woman to actually set foot on the moon. (Yeah, Canadians and women have been in space before, but only 12 people have actually walked on the moon and all of them are American men.)

Yeah, that’s it. There are so many more courses I want to take, but this is alright for the time being, I guess. It’s too late to change my mind anyway. Unless I wanted to do something in summer school. Or I’d switch at the beggining of the grade 11 school year.

Thought of the day: Looking back to when I was seven years old, did I envision that this is where I’d be today?
Maybe not. Maybe so. When I was seven was about the time Avril Lavigne started to come onto the scene- when she was fifteen, just like I am now. Maybe I thought I’d be like her.
But here I am, still in high school, still writing my novel(s). I’m not the most popular kid in school, but I guess I have a bit of a quiet-smart-wierd-student-leader reputation. I really want the weird to replace the quiet though. Or maybe fit in memorable somewhere. I want to change peoples’ lives for the better.

Alex Violet

I meant to post this yesterday but then my internet decided to shut down on me. Lucky, it was saved as a draft.

<InTrOdUcTiOn
It’s been too long! Too long, I say, since my last post.

Sorry ’bout that!

I’m also going to try and make my blog entries a little more interesting/organized by adding sub-headings.

The Semi-Formal Dance
There will be a semi-formal dance at my school on Friday and all of my friends are going with their boyfriends. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even slow-danced with a guy.

It’s not that I’ve never had crushes; it’s just that I’ve never advertised myself to guys or ever let any of them know I liked them, even in a subtle way. I try not to flirt and I tend to not tell, like, anyone about who I have a crush on. I guess I’m what you’d call, “hard-to-get”. I’d rather have a guy ask me out. And so far, none have!

I’m okay with that, for the most part. I’m used to it. I’m used to people raising their eyebrows when I tell them I’ve never had a boyfriend. But this is _______ (insert name of my town here). Everyone here has dated before, it seems.

My little brother had a girlfriend when he was 9 or 10. (He’s 11 now.)

I am also obligated to go, since I’m on the student’s council. And I’m excited about it. I have a dress bought, and it is PERFECT for me. It’s about knee-length and it’s one shoulder and black. I’m going to try to make my look either flapper-inspired or Audrey Hepburn inspired. Probably Audrey, since my Gramma lent me a couple of her pearl necklaces and my Mum lent me pearl earrings that I wore for Halloween when I was Audrey.

Anyway, I’m going to be absolutely beautiful, whether or not I have a guy beside me.

As long as I have some friends to hang out with who aren’t intermingled with their boyfriends the whole night [making me feel left out/akward/uncomfortable] I will be perfectly fine.

I addressed this issue at pathfinders, and they all reassured me that there’s power in being single and that ‘it’ll be right when it’s right’.

I really love these people.

Plus, the girl who has a new boyfriend every couple of weeks wasn’t there.

Whatever. I’m going to look my best, and stand as tall as I can, and be as happy as I can, and hope for the best.

The Dentist
Went to the dentist on Tuesday. I brought in a book about ghosts and the dentist asked me if I was a ‘believer’. I told her yes. I got free toothpaste, floss, a toothbrush, and then I got to pick out a toy from the toychest. I picked out a little ring with a flower on it. I’m turn fifteen on the twenty-ninth of this month.

Crying at the movies

I saw ‘My Sister’s Keeper’ (my mum rented it for a mother-daughter movie night) sometime within the past week and I cried like CRAZY. I was basically having hysterics.

I have come to realize lately that over the years I have grown emotionally stronger, and that I can handle a lot more without crying nowadays. That is, in reality.

When I watch a mushy movie or a Rememberance Day assembly or something like that, I tend to sob uncontrollably. (For crying out loud, tears come to my eyes when I see the “When You’re Gone” music video or the SickKids or the Princess Margaret Hospital commercials.)

In fourth grade [approximately] I cried at everything. I cried if I got a C+ on a test. And you know, I’m trying to think of something else unreasonable to list that I cried about, but I cannot. I know I cried a lot, but I guess I had a really depressing childhood.

But now I’m stronger. I currently have a 58% in mathematics and although I’m terrified for it, I haven’t cried about it.

I mean, I had an emotional breakdown yesterday, but that was about a science test my mother wanted me to stay home from pathfinders to study for. I was pretty confident with the the content of the test then, and now, after the test, I’m thinking that much of the test was actually fairly simple. Or I could be wrong.

The Moon and Mars
Questions of the day:
If you could take 6 people to Mars with you (a year on the shuttle and a year on the planet), who would you want to take with you?
And, if you were given the option someday, would you live on the moon? I hear they found water on the moon a few weeks ago. LOTS of water. Google even changed their logo for the day for it and everything.

Life can be tough sometimes, but I’ll make it through. It’s all worth it.

Sincerely,
Alex Violet

PS Don’t get me wrong, appearance and boyfriends aren’t everything to me. Really and truly. But sometimes it feels like those areas of my life are under a microscope.

How do they do it?

This song is by a girl named Valerie: toiltpprprdctns on YouTube. It’s incredibly catchy and a good happy-dance song. 🙂

WARNING: This is going to be one of those really long and thought-provoking entries that I go off rambling quite a bit in. My English teacher last year said I should learn to centre my thoughts a bit better. So click ‘more’ if you’re really up for reading it all.

Stagefright.

So many very notable things have happened to me so far in grade 10. I’ve faced a lot of fears so far and October is tomorrow. (Speaking of October- I believe that I’ll be Audrey Hepburn for Halloween.)

But I’ve also been struggling with unusually terrifying stagefright.

I am, actually, used to stagefright, but not quite to this degree, you see. (Oh my goodness, I just rhymed. 🙂 )

In vocals class, we are required to sing. We aren’t required to sing solos, but we get the oppourtunity and I know that I have a talent, so I wanted to try it out. But when I am nervous, it affects my voice.

So when I got in front of the microphone, I started off alright but sort of off-key. (At least from what I could hear of my voice, but it may just be my being self-concious.) I didn’t feel so empowered because my vocals class is full of kids from all different grades, and so many of them had been in this class last year, the year before, and for even some they’d been in it the year before that.

So you see, I felt like I was trying to sing in front of so many professionals, people who knew how to sing and knew a good voice or a bad voice when they heard it. They knew all the notes and how to read sheet music, etc. They’d be able to easily tell if my voice was spot-on or if I was way off. It felt like the standards were too high, and I got scared.

I paused a little into the first verse of “I will survive” partly because I didn’t understand the lyrics in the verse. (The chorus I like though.) And I like to understand what I am singing. If I understand it, I can really put my heart and soul into singing the song.

So I started hyperventalating a little bit and my eyes started watering and my heart was pounding in my ears. I couldn’t speak, let alone sing.

I didn’t get to sing the chorus because I practically ran back to my chair and it’s a good thing I had my water-bottle.

This reminds me of my fear of heights.

Back in eighth grade my school took the grades 7 and 8 classes to one of those places that has:

Rock climbing.

Mosquitoes.

Canoeing.

Mosquitoes.

Low ropes.

Mosquitoes.

And high ropes. (With the zipline and everything.)

Anyway, the high ropes was a problem for me because, as I said, I’m afraid of heights.

I had to climb up a ladder, then up a wooden telephone-pole thing, and from there, (forty feet up in the air!) I had to walk accross a wood balance beam to a small plank where I’d be attatched to a zipline and slide down. To the ground. Then they’d get a ladder and unattach me to the zipline and I’d walk down from the ladder. And I’d feel great about facing my fear.

Which I did, and it was great. Life-changing, even.

Except it took me at least an hour and/or a half to get through the course when it took everyone else somewhere around ten-fifteen minutes. But I got a lot of cheers when I finally stepped off the platform/plank. It felt great, and I’m really glad I faced that fear.

It was one of the highlights of my Grade 8 year.

And the weekend before last, I went on a camping trip with the student’s council, and we went through the same course. This time, I did it WAY faster, in maybe only half or less than the time I had the last time.

Afterwards, I told a couple of the other kids how scared I’d been the last time and how long it took me to just get up the ladder. (Okay, maybe I might’ve exaggerated a bit, but I wouldn’t actually know, seeing as this was a couple years ago (! has it been that long already?) and not everything’s crystal clear.)

They were all impressed, and I was even mentioned in the school paper.

They spelled my name wrong, but still.

(And for those of you who don’t already know, mispellings irritate me more than they should, WAY more than they should, and the one thing that irritates me more than that, is when people mispell my name. It REALLY is not that hard to remember!!!)

SO, my point is, that I was hysterical with my heart pounding in my ears then, too, and if I could do that, then I can do this.

The moral of my latest novel that I hope to finish is that LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE. It’ll all be okay in the long run. You’ve just got to always stay strong, and believe it. 😛 🙂 😀

“DON’T STOP BELIEVING!”
LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE!!!

Brave and sincerely,
Alexandra Violet.