whatever.
April 30, 2010
Description:
To me, ugly wasn’t just my weight, it was just how my weight was distributed. It was my eyebrows being to thick. It was my face having too many zits. My neck too fat, my palms too sweaty. It was my lack of height and my lack of being blonde and my being the only one not in a black dress to my sixth grade graduation. (I wore a blue dress.) My lack of friends, my lack of status and my lack of swearing.
These days it’s my grades being less than perfect and my lack of social life beyond my small circle of friends. It’s my lack of people remembering who I am and my lack of talent, especially in math. It’s all the extra curriculars I’m participating in and lack of money and free time. It’s university. It’s high school. It’s now. It’s trying to keep up with the world. It’s politics. It’s breaking stereotype. It’s what everyone thinks about me and what everyone doesn’t.
But you know what? F it all. “If I want to fly, I’ll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and f the rest.”
You can’t be everyone’s perfect image.
Alex Violet
So many thoughts flitting through my mind that I don’t fully know what to do with them.
April 26, 2010
Note written long after this entry was: I’ve noticed that people often find themselves at my blog through this entry, usually because they’ve searched up something about having a lot on their mind. In this entry, I’m mainly talking about what’s been on my mind, and that I wrote some poems about it all. I’m not explaining in the actual entry what to do if you’ve got a lot on your mind, so I figure I should give you the advice here separately:
If you’ve got something on your mind, then let it out. Everyone says that, but it doesn’t have to mean confiding in a friend or family or whatever. Sometimes I write poems but I tend to journal things these days. Other times I rant in front of the mirror when nobody’s home.
I read somewhere once that if you’ve got a regret that you just can’t get over, then you should write it down on paper and then file it or something. Apparently it makes you feel that you’re done with the thought or whatever. Honestly, my version of this would be to write it down on a scrap piece of old math homework or something, scrunch it all up, throw it onto the floor, put on some heavy footwear, stomp on it and twist your feet, throw it at the wall or rip it up several times, and then finally straighten it out and put it through a shredder.
Because really, who doesn’t love shredders?
You could also try running it over with a vehicle. That would be cool.
If all else fails, tell yourself outloud that fate did not choose for you to regret this. There are important things in life, right within reach, and you can’t get to them with something as insignificant as a regret blocking your way.
If you choose to go the way of the journal or diary, then be sure to not hold back from letting it all out. Don’t think about what you’re writing, write about what you’re thinking. Proper grammar, punctuation and spelling doesn’t matter if no one else is going to read it. It doesn’t even matter if you think it would make sense to anyone else, it doesn’t even matter if it makes sense to you. Get it all off your chest. “Paper is more patient than people,” as Anne Frank said.
If it’s a problem of some kind, you might want to read it over, and try to think of it from the point of view of somebody reasonable that has nothing to do with you. Maybe you’ll be able to think of a solution that way. But then again maybe not.
If you can’t sleep, then think of the problem as something to be tackled in the morning. If procrastinating it is the reason you can’t sleep, maybe plan how you’re going to tackle it while your eyes are closed and you’re lying down trying to sleep.
I find that normally if I overthink things before I go to sleep, I have a hard time sleeping because of everything that’s going on in my mind. I’m trying to drift off into dreams, but it takes a conscious mind to consider those types of things.
I once went through a phase where my life felt so horrible and I was so depressed about it all the time. My life sucked, so I decided to live through someone else’s through reading it. (Stories that were in first person were always my favourites because of how real they felt.) Friends in books were always there when nobody else was and I relied on them so heavily. And if I didn’t like how their life was turning out, then I’d write about my own, made-up characters, sometimes with lives better than mine so I could live like them in my imagination. Other times I’d write about people with the same problems as me and all the things they did about them, and all the people that helped them. By writing about these pretend people that were so real to me, I was empowered. I felt what they felt and got to live out more than just my life.
I hope I helped in some way, and I’m sincerely sorry if I didn’t. Just know that I can relate to having so many thoughts on my mind like the title here says. And now for the real entry which I wrote a while back:
—
So I wrote some poems. (Not sonnets, this time. Just poems.) You know how I’ve been getting a little darker with my poetry lately? Well, I went to the holocaust museum today on a school field trip. So that, of course, gave me a whole other round of things to think about. “In this head my thoughts are deep/ sometimes I can’t even speak…” (the song My World by Avril Lavigne. This is exactly how I feel right now…)
POEM #1 – Alex Violet
Torn from your home, a crying dove,
You tried to listen for the God above.
They shot and lied,
You hoped and cried.
They forced you into the gates of hell.
You watched the dearest suffer, you watched as they fell.
No gunshot’s as strong as love’s pull
And you can’t leave ’til the elevator’s full.
The innocent scream and grasp for life,
Yet the world outside’s blind to all strife.
Another teardrop
In wish it’ll just stop…
The pounding, the poison, the starvation,
Clawing away from his gravitation…
Why’d they do this to you, my loves?
Is it because they’d never heard the doves?
Do they know what it’s like to breathe the fresh air?
Have they ever been hugged, do they know what’s fair?
What’d it be like? To never see a butterfly again?
If the world could end, he’d just say when.
You cry all you want but never get heard.
It’s quite a shame they listen to his every word.
This isn’t a different species, this is humanity!
I can’t sit here any longer and listen to your insanity.
POEM #2 [Blunt] – Alex Violet
You’re idiots for how wrong you can be
About somebody’s destiny.
There’s the being and there’s the soul.
Which one really is the troll?
Greusome beginning or greusome end;
It’s an outright lie or it’s just pretend.
Tears and laughter: one or the other,
Now or later – you know you can’t control weather.
Now and again you’ll have doubts,
But it’s your character that shrugs and pouts.
You can weep and surrender,
Or stand up and defend her.
Plain as tears,
Frightening as fears.
That’s the way of life;
Hold on to humanity in the midst of strife.
POEM #3 – Alex Violet
Don’t you get it? Simplicity doesn’t exist anymore,
It left with the world made entirely of folklore.
As long as we’ve known the ages
Even those you call sages
Dictate the answers to the instinctive mind.
Only the strong-willed and cynical dare to find
The next “solution” be it good or bad.
There’ll always be those that think the bold are mad,
And the ones gullible and weak
Who hide in the shadows each day of the week…
I’ve got to admit that the first one is sort of like a couple of songs I know (Cheese, “crying doves” what do you think that song is? When the doves cry? What about “God above”? Hallelujah?) and the lower ones could apply to anything. Poem #1 is more holocaust-specific (The “he” I was refering to was Hitler) while Poem #2 is about life in general (please know that it’s not actually fully my views on life and humanity; I’m a lot more optimistic, or so I like to think) and Poem #3 is about dictatorship/tradition/reality/ideas in general, new and old/acceptance/”solutions”/etc.
I got up at 5 AM today and my eyes are burning though it’s like, 9. I feel like I’m going to pass out but I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep with all these thoughts running through my head. I heard all these stories about heros and traitors during WWII and I can’t help but wonder if I truly would end up being the hero I assume I’d be. What if I’d been raised in a family, community, and country that taught/BRAINWASHED that this, of all animalistic judgement was supposedly “right,” would I be clever enough to question it? I mean, I think I would, but would I make a show of it? Would I TRULY sacrafice my life for those of 2, 500? I’ve always been vain enough to think my life is more valuable than somebody’s. “I’m going somewhere in my life.” It’s the reason I don’t give up right here, right now, in high school. I feel like I was made for a greater purpose. (Greater purpose=benefitting the world in some largely significant way.) Would I risk my life, confident that this was what I was meant to be risking my life for? Now that I think about it, I suppose so. The oppourtunity to save thousands of lives comes up, you can’t afford to turn it down, no matter what anyone says. The oppourtunity came up for a reason… right? I think I would be a hero. But maybe one of those heroes that never got caught and maybe wasn’t so known about. Which would be fine by me, since I would have done all that I could as well as I could. As long as I had that satisfaction.
What I learned today: It’s not WHAT you learn, it’s how you’re taught to learn. (i.e. You could take your information and memorize it; or you could take your information, think it over thoroughly, and come up with some sort of opinion on it. If you have the power to think something over, you have the power to stop it from happening.)
Anyway, like I said, I got up at 5 AM and I basically feel like crap right now.
I didn’t sleep on the bus either since I got an aisle seat. Instead, I read the whole time. I’m halfway through Twenties Girl now. I started it on Saturday when Daddy bought it for me from the Costco. I also got The Reckoning while I was there. (Finally lent The Summoning to my friend who wants to be called Kira on this blog. She’s been waiting for me to find it in the rubble that is my room for months now.)
So like I said, I feel basically like crap now.
And I still have an English assignment to do.
So goodbye.
Alex Violet
PS Maybe I’m not so speechless as I was in the hour I spend laying on my bed, hugging my pillow and staring blankly into space like I was before I decided to put the poems here on my blog.
Alex
The Insanely Awesomazing Life of Alex. 