Dreaming.

Okay, so I made this thing on Polyvore today and I wanted to share. It’s sort of a picture with a whole lot of embellishments then a speech about all the stuff I’ll do with my life. (I’m copying and pasting the description.)

Untitled by DinosaurMuffin on Polyvore.com

Today you think I’m the quiet one in the back of the classroom.
I was the “smart one” you never got to know.
I was “good at everything,” a good artist, a writer, and therfore good at all else.
But I really was good at art, and I loved to write.
I shocked you when you saw me in drama class.
I didn’t surprise you by being on the students’ council.
It blew your mind, though, that I was writing a novel.
A fifteen-year-old high school kid from a military town, wanting to write a novel. Ha! Imagine that.
No, wait. AND thinking it would get published. Now THAT’S humour.
But then it gets published.
And you read it just to see what the commotion’s all about.
You give up halfway through because the writing’s too deep for you.
You think it’s a load of crap.
You make fun of it for all your friends and act like you were my best friend back in the day when people ask you about me.
And then I start getting into politics.
You’re not completely surprised, since I was always a “smartie.”
But you always thought I’d be more of a math teacher.
Well, you know what?
I got a 52 in tenth grade math.
So shut up.
You thought I was the quietest person in the world; you even voted me “quietest” for the yearbook.
Well, you know what?
I got a 90% in ninth grade drama.
It wasn’t because I was really good at acting like someone I wasn’t, it was because I was good at relating to people.
There was always so many dimensions to my soul and so many different sides of me that you never understood.
And as I gain steam in politics, you vote for me because you doubt anyone else will.
Then I win the election.
I keep reaching higher, and I keep making bigger goals.
The funny thing is, I keep achieving them too.
And you think I’ve somehow cheated at life, you can’t believe I did all this.
As you sit there in awe, watching me being announced prime minister of Canada on television, you think to yourself, “How the hell did she do it?”
And you just can’t comprehend it.
So all you can think of to do is turn to the hundredth guy who promised to be with you forever, and say, “I knew her when,”
Because you saw my face when. You knew my name when. You knew the name of my school and for all I know or care, what street I lived on.
But the truth is, you still can’t figure it out.
You can’t figure out how I did all this, publishing books and leading the world, learning and dreaming while you were publishing “BOOOORRRREEEEEEDDDD.” a thousand times as your facebook status.
When you gave up on dreaming, when you decided these dreams were out of reach, you stopped reaching.
But I never stopped reaching.
I never cared how impossible you told me things were, because I knew and know the truth.

You can’t just sit there and wait for things to happen.

—

Alex Violet

whatever.

whatever. by DinosaurMuffin on Polyvore.com

Description:

To me, ugly wasn’t just my weight, it was just how my weight was distributed. It was my eyebrows being to thick. It was my face having too many zits. My neck too fat, my palms too sweaty. It was my lack of height and my lack of being blonde and my being the only one not in a black dress to my sixth grade graduation. (I wore a blue dress.) My lack of friends, my lack of status and my lack of swearing.
These days it’s my grades being less than perfect and my lack of social life beyond my small circle of friends. It’s my lack of people remembering who I am and my lack of talent, especially in math. It’s all the extra curriculars I’m participating in and lack of money and free time. It’s university. It’s high school. It’s now. It’s trying to keep up with the world. It’s politics. It’s breaking stereotype. It’s what everyone thinks about me and what everyone doesn’t.

But you know what? F it all. “If I want to fly, I’ll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and f the rest.”

You can’t be everyone’s perfect image.

Alex Violet

So many thoughts flitting through my mind that I don’t fully know what to do with them.

Note written long after this entry was: I’ve noticed that people often find themselves at my blog through this entry, usually because they’ve searched up something about having a lot on their mind. In this entry, I’m mainly talking about what’s been on my mind, and that I wrote some poems about it all. I’m not explaining in the actual entry what to do if you’ve got a lot on your mind, so I figure I should give you the advice here separately:
If you’ve got something on your mind, then let it out. Everyone says that, but it doesn’t have to mean confiding in a friend or family or whatever. Sometimes I write poems but I tend to journal things these days. Other times I rant in front of the mirror when nobody’s home.
I read somewhere once that if you’ve got a regret that you just can’t get over, then you should write it down on paper and then file it or something. Apparently it makes you feel that you’re done with the thought or whatever. Honestly, my version of this would be to write it down on a scrap piece of old math homework or something, scrunch it all up, throw it onto the floor, put on some heavy footwear, stomp on it and twist your feet, throw it at the wall or rip it up several times, and then finally straighten it out and put it through a shredder.
Because really, who doesn’t love shredders?
You could also try running it over with a vehicle. That would be cool.
If all else fails, tell yourself outloud that fate did not choose for you to regret this. There are important things in life, right within reach, and you can’t get to them with something as insignificant as a regret blocking your way.
If you choose to go the way of the journal or diary, then be sure to not hold back from letting it all out. Don’t think about what you’re writing, write about what you’re thinking. Proper grammar, punctuation and spelling doesn’t matter if no one else is going to read it. It doesn’t even matter if you think it would make sense to anyone else, it doesn’t even matter if it makes sense to you. Get it all off your chest. “Paper is more patient than people,” as Anne Frank said.
If it’s a problem of some kind, you might want to read it over, and try to think of it from the point of view of somebody reasonable that has nothing to do with you. Maybe you’ll be able to think of a solution that way. But then again maybe not.
If you can’t sleep, then think of the problem as something to be tackled in the morning. If procrastinating it is the reason you can’t sleep, maybe plan how you’re going to tackle it while your eyes are closed and you’re lying down trying to sleep.
I find that normally if I overthink things before I go to sleep, I have a hard time sleeping because of everything that’s going on in my mind. I’m trying to drift off into dreams, but it takes a conscious mind to consider those types of things.
I once went through a phase where my life felt so horrible and I was so depressed about it all the time. My life sucked, so I decided to live through someone else’s through reading it. (Stories that were in first person were always my favourites because of how real they felt.) Friends in books were always there when nobody else was and I relied on them so heavily. And if I didn’t like how their life was turning out, then I’d write about my own, made-up characters, sometimes with lives better than mine so I could live like them in my imagination. Other times I’d write about people with the same problems as me and all the things they did about them, and all the people that helped them. By writing about these pretend people that were so real to me, I was empowered. I felt what they felt and got to live out more than just my life.
I hope I helped in some way, and I’m sincerely sorry if I didn’t. Just know that I can relate to having so many thoughts on my mind like the title here says. And now for the real entry which I wrote a while back:

—
So I wrote some poems. (Not sonnets, this time. Just poems.) You know how I’ve been getting a little darker with my poetry lately? Well, I went to the holocaust museum today on a school field trip. So that, of course, gave me a whole other round of things to think about. “In this head my thoughts are deep/ sometimes I can’t even speak…” (the song My World by Avril Lavigne. This is exactly how I feel right now…)

POEM #1 – Alex Violet

Torn from your home, a crying dove,
You tried to listen for the God above.
They shot and lied,
You hoped and cried.
They forced you into the gates of hell.
You watched the dearest suffer, you watched as they fell.
No gunshot’s as strong as love’s pull
And you can’t leave ’til the elevator’s full.
The innocent scream and grasp for life,
Yet the world outside’s blind to all strife.
Another teardrop
In wish it’ll just stop…
The pounding, the poison, the starvation,
Clawing away from his gravitation…
Why’d they do this to you, my loves?
Is it because they’d never heard the doves?
Do they know what it’s like to breathe the fresh air?
Have they ever been hugged, do they know what’s fair?
What’d it be like? To never see a butterfly again?
If the world could end, he’d just say when.
You cry all you want but never get heard.
It’s quite a shame they listen to his every word.
This isn’t a different species, this is humanity!
I can’t sit here any longer and listen to your insanity.

POEM #2 [Blunt] – Alex Violet

You’re idiots for how wrong you can be
About somebody’s destiny.
There’s the being and there’s the soul.
Which one really is the troll?
Greusome beginning or greusome end;
It’s an outright lie or it’s just pretend.
Tears and laughter: one or the other,
Now or later – you know you can’t control weather.
Now and again you’ll have doubts,
But it’s your character that shrugs and pouts.
You can weep and surrender,
Or stand up and defend her.
Plain as tears,
Frightening as fears.
That’s the way of life;
Hold on to humanity in the midst of strife.

POEM #3 – Alex Violet

Don’t you get it? Simplicity doesn’t exist anymore,
It left with the world made entirely of folklore.
As long as we’ve known the ages
Even those you call sages
Dictate the answers to the instinctive mind.
Only the strong-willed and cynical dare to find
The next “solution” be it good or bad.
There’ll always be those that think the bold are mad,
And the ones gullible and weak
Who hide in the shadows each day of the week…

I’ve got to admit that the first one is sort of like a couple of songs I know (Cheese, “crying doves” what do you think that song is? When the doves cry? What about “God above”? Hallelujah?) and the lower ones could apply to anything. Poem #1 is more holocaust-specific (The “he” I was refering to was Hitler) while Poem #2 is about life in general (please know that it’s not actually fully my views on life and humanity; I’m a lot more optimistic, or so I like to think) and Poem #3 is about dictatorship/tradition/reality/ideas in general, new and old/acceptance/”solutions”/etc.

I got up at 5 AM today and my eyes are burning though it’s like, 9. I feel like I’m going to pass out but I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep with all these thoughts running through my head. I heard all these stories about heros and traitors during WWII and I can’t help but wonder if I truly would end up being the hero I assume I’d be. What if I’d been raised in a family, community, and country that taught/BRAINWASHED that this, of all animalistic judgement was supposedly “right,” would I be clever enough to question it? I mean, I think I would, but would I make a show of it? Would I TRULY sacrafice my life for those of 2, 500? I’ve always been vain enough to think my life is more valuable than somebody’s. “I’m going somewhere in my life.” It’s the reason I don’t give up right here, right now, in high school. I feel like I was made for a greater purpose. (Greater purpose=benefitting the world in some largely significant way.) Would I risk my life, confident that this was what I was meant to be risking my life for? Now that I think about it, I suppose so. The oppourtunity to save thousands of lives comes up, you can’t afford to turn it down, no matter what anyone says. The oppourtunity came up for a reason… right? I think I would be a hero. But maybe one of those heroes that never got caught and maybe wasn’t so known about. Which would be fine by me, since I would have done all that I could as well as I could. As long as I had that satisfaction.

What I learned today: It’s not WHAT you learn, it’s how you’re taught to learn. (i.e. You could take your information and memorize it; or you could take your information, think it over thoroughly, and come up with some sort of opinion on it. If you have the power to think something over, you have the power to stop it from happening.)

Anyway, like I said, I got up at 5 AM and I basically feel like crap right now.

I didn’t sleep on the bus either since I got an aisle seat. Instead, I read the whole time. I’m halfway through Twenties Girl now. I started it on Saturday when Daddy bought it for me from the Costco. I also got The Reckoning while I was there. (Finally lent The Summoning to my friend who wants to be called Kira on this blog. She’s been waiting for me to find it in the rubble that is my room for months now.)

So like I said, I feel basically like crap now.

And I still have an English assignment to do.

So goodbye.

Alex Violet

PS Maybe I’m not so speechless as I was in the hour I spend laying on my bed, hugging my pillow and staring blankly into space like I was before I decided to put the poems here on my blog.

My personality this day…

View Full MyPersonality.org Profile

0 50 100	%
Openness	93%
Conscientiousness	58%
Extraversion	61%
Agreeableness	61%
Neuroticism	28%

This is from that thing on FaceBook. “Big 5” or whatever. (It’s my results from a personality questionnaire that I took over facebook.)

If you want a more in-depth explaination or whatever, read below. But it’s all copied and pasted from FaceBook, just warning.

Openness
This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 95% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is far more intellectually curious and sensitive to beauty than most. You might say that your beliefs are individualistic and frequently drift towards the unconventional, and that you enjoy your imagination and the exciting places it takes you! However, your friends’ descriptions suggest that they think that you are far more conventional than you realise, and that they think that you would much prefer things to stay the same.

Reflective question: What place do you think that tradition has in society (if any)?

Conscientiousness
This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 40% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is spontaneous and fun, and that you like to do unexpected things that make life that bit more interesting. You might say that you aren’t completely unreliable, but you’ve been known to slip up on occasion. Your friends’ descriptions suggest that they generally agree with this view.

Reflective question: How do you go about tackling a new task?

Extraversion
This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 46% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who enjoys and actively seeks out social occasions, but would say that they’re not everything. You might say that sometimes it is nice to step back for a while and have a quiet night in. Your friends’ descriptions suggest that they generally agree with this view.

Reflective question: What role do you tend to play in a team? (at work or in social activities)

Agreeableness
This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 40% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who people can find difficult to get along with when you first meet, as you can be suspicious of their motives. Your responses suggest that over time though people warm to you, and you to them, although that doesn’t stop you telling them “how it is”. Your friends’ descriptions suggest that they generally agree with this view.

Reflective question: When others are experiencing problems, what do you do?

Neuroticism (Emotional stability)
This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life’s demands. Approximately 21% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is calm and emotionally stable. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who is rarely bothered by things, and when they do get you down the feeling does not persist for very long. However, your friends’ descriptions suggest that they feel that you are less emotionally stable than you think. You project yourself as someone who gets stressed out by things more easily than you realise.

Reflective question: When do your emotions (or lack of emotions) get in the way of good decision making?

GREAT WEEKEND I HAD. Field trip tomorrow. Have to get up at 5 AM. Ride’s coming for me at 6 AM. Have to be at bus by 6:45 AM. Will probably be back home by 5 PM. Now I’ve got to get to sleep. ‘Night.

Alex Violet